yes i'm typing one of those blogs. if you don't like it or think i'm jumping on some bandwagon think again. the past two weeks has really taught me how fragile and special life really is. the earthquake shook this little country so bad and then caused the terror of the tsunami. the tsunmai hit a city just 30 minutes away from us. we had no power for about 2.5 days. with that being said we're EXTREMELY lucky nothing happened to our base or us on the base. the japanese people on the other hand are dealing with lives lost, houses lost, radiation floating into their cities, and just their small country being hit so hard by 3 horrible incidents.
as everyone knows this is our 4th deployment. well this is the first deployment that the worry was turned around and the realization that jayson could lose us was shown to us. he was so worried when the earthquake struck and couldn't talk to us for a couple of days. he still didn't feel much comfort until he finally got to see us on skype a few days ago and i know he won't be fully comfortable until he is home with us and hugging us.
we've all heard the saying life can be taken away in the blink of an eye. how incredibly true that statement is. i've never stopped and thought about this. i've never had a reason to. this earthquake/tsunami made me stop and think how precious life really is. we're so lucky to all be here and living. life is hard at times and just plain sucks some times but its still a gift. we're so blessed to be breathing and having life experiences including the horrible ones.
this experience has made me look at jayson in a whole new light! i've loved him the past 7 yrs of our marriage and the past 8 yrs of our relationship but now that love is even deeper and stronger. each deployment makes our love for each other deeper and stronger and also strengthens our marriage. this deployment however has done that 10 fold and its only 2 months into it. jayson and i now truly know how special we are to each other and how special our marriage is. we've gone through 3 other deployments and going through this current one. we've gone through barely having any money. we've gone through having a child and raising that child. we've gone through all of life's little things good and bad and we're still standing strong and will continue to.
i miss my airman so much and can't wait until he is home. i love this military life we live and am so glad to be learning the lessons it has to offer and teach. i truly believe those who have ever lived or are currently living the military life have a better understanding and appreciation for life, love, and pushing through. we all need to be thankful for what we have every single day. my dad has always told me to tell everyone that i love that i love them every day. i always just "yeah dad i know" but now i know what he means and i know that i will. to all of those that are reading this and are my family and friends know that i do love you, all of you! now go hug and kiss your spouse or significant other and go grab your kid(s) up and love on them and then go play with them or tuck them or anything you need to do to show them how much you really do love them. love the people in your life because you never know when someone can be taken out of it.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
7 months in japan ( a bit of a rant)
so we're just a few days past our 7 month mark of being here and man have i learned a lot in these short 7 months. being overseas is both wonderful and horrible at the same time. its wonderful because its a new country, new culture, new language, new base and you get to meet new people! its horrible in our case because we're so north and isolated, its a new base, and we have met new people.
i've already met a couple wonderful people that i know i'll be lifelong friends with, emily & heather! i'm so thankful for them. they're keeping me sane here and are my sounding boards too. i love that they understand me so much already and can handle the constant chatter from both lucian and i! i've also met some really great people that i'm sure we'll always have some form of contact with and that i hold dear as well. on the flip side i've also met some people that just really have shocked me with their behavior and their expectations of me. why would you expect anything from someone you barely know? and if you feel you them well you have to stop and think well do they feel the same?
i've learned to really watch people from a distance before you just run up and say hey let's be friends! you really do have to be cautious and i already knew this but i've never really just observed before forging a friendship with someone. well there have been a few women here who have taught me that lesson already. those who have gotten to know me after my first burn here have commented on how careful i'm being about things. i feel i've been explaining myself or my actions and i've never had to do that with my friends before because they've always been true friends and didn't care about those little things like that.
i am happy to report that my quick and accurate judge of character is still intact but i've had to use it here more than i ever had to in ohio. yes i only had 3 close friends but they were just that close friends that knew me inside out and i didn't have to explain my personality or other things about myself or my family to them. they loved and still do love me for who i am inside. i just really have been surprised by the gall some people have. i don't like the feeling of being unsure around people once you've started to get to know them better. people are so quick to judge or to show their true colors. which for me is a good thing because that means that i don't have to waste anymore time on them.
i've also been around younger people here too. emily is one of those younger people yet she and her husband act beyond their years! i've always acted beyond my years. not to say i haven't had my immature moements or phases but in general i've always flocked to people a little bit older than me. some people here just need to grow up already. everyone has something in their past that they could hold onto forever but why would you?
there are plenty of people, myself included, that didn't have the fairytale childhood. mine wasn't as rough as some that i've heard since being here but it still was a rough one. i let go of mine some time ago. i learned what i needed to from it and then moved on. i'm not bitter about it anymore and i don't use it as an excuse, crutch, or as a weapon. let go and move on. never openly trust anyone no matter what your childhood or past has in it.
it really is like starting all over here and i need to feel people out and let them know who i am as well. those who have gotten to know me a little or more as in the case of heather and emily, know that i don't take crap from anyone. i voice my opinion and if i don't like you or the way you're behaving i'll let you know. i usually do it in a nice way the first time but after that i stop using the nice and just flat out tell you like it is.
i had a dispute with a "friend" today and it just really got to me and i can't believe the way this person has acted towards me. this person was being completely inconsiderate of the fact that i have a child. they asked me to do something with them that would take all day and i'd only have 4 hrs with lucian in that day and that'd be in the evening. that isn't fair. i chose to stay home so i could see lucian all day long and be with him every day. then the person tried to make me feel guilty about saying no to being away from lucian all day. i've dealt with a few people in my life that are pros at the martyr act and throwing guilt trips and guess what, that crap doesn't work on me. find someone else to feel sorry for you i don't do that.
i've had a rough week to say the least and i'm just ready for it to be over with. ready for jayson to leave texas so that we can talk every day and he'll also be one step closer to coming home! i'm looking forward to two years with him uninterrupted by a deployment. i don't mind if he goes to the NCO academy or to investigations school but no deployment for two years would be wonderful!
that is another thing i feel i need to add right quick. this isn't my first rodeo (deployment) so don't come crying to me with all your boo hoos. that may sound mean and all but i'm going through a deployment too and the fourth one at that so i'm past all the boo hoos of having your husband deployed. if you really want to compare here it is:
1st deployment- a month after jayson and i got married and i was active duty still and all i did was sleep and work. i was so depressed because it was the first deployment. it is how every first deployment is.
2nd- lucian was 6 months old. went to my mom's she helped but from a distance because she knows i hate overbearing people, which she never has been thankfully. lucian choked on some bolts he found on a window sill and i had to dig them out of his throat and a little dribble of blood came out of his nose. terrified the breath out of me. also jayson missed all of lucian's firsts during this deployment.
3rd- lucian was 2.5 yrs old. nothing bad happened during this deployment, thankfully! made a lifelong friend in katie during this one.
4th- lucian is just a month shy of being 4 yrs old. jayson was only home for 9 months and we pcs'd during those 9 months.
don't comapre your FIRST deployment to my 4th and those in the past. and don't compare your first or any others with anyone else becasue there is no comparison. it hurts the same for us all no matter if its the first or 15th deployment. its part of being married to military.
i've already met a couple wonderful people that i know i'll be lifelong friends with, emily & heather! i'm so thankful for them. they're keeping me sane here and are my sounding boards too. i love that they understand me so much already and can handle the constant chatter from both lucian and i! i've also met some really great people that i'm sure we'll always have some form of contact with and that i hold dear as well. on the flip side i've also met some people that just really have shocked me with their behavior and their expectations of me. why would you expect anything from someone you barely know? and if you feel you them well you have to stop and think well do they feel the same?
i've learned to really watch people from a distance before you just run up and say hey let's be friends! you really do have to be cautious and i already knew this but i've never really just observed before forging a friendship with someone. well there have been a few women here who have taught me that lesson already. those who have gotten to know me after my first burn here have commented on how careful i'm being about things. i feel i've been explaining myself or my actions and i've never had to do that with my friends before because they've always been true friends and didn't care about those little things like that.
i am happy to report that my quick and accurate judge of character is still intact but i've had to use it here more than i ever had to in ohio. yes i only had 3 close friends but they were just that close friends that knew me inside out and i didn't have to explain my personality or other things about myself or my family to them. they loved and still do love me for who i am inside. i just really have been surprised by the gall some people have. i don't like the feeling of being unsure around people once you've started to get to know them better. people are so quick to judge or to show their true colors. which for me is a good thing because that means that i don't have to waste anymore time on them.
i've also been around younger people here too. emily is one of those younger people yet she and her husband act beyond their years! i've always acted beyond my years. not to say i haven't had my immature moements or phases but in general i've always flocked to people a little bit older than me. some people here just need to grow up already. everyone has something in their past that they could hold onto forever but why would you?
there are plenty of people, myself included, that didn't have the fairytale childhood. mine wasn't as rough as some that i've heard since being here but it still was a rough one. i let go of mine some time ago. i learned what i needed to from it and then moved on. i'm not bitter about it anymore and i don't use it as an excuse, crutch, or as a weapon. let go and move on. never openly trust anyone no matter what your childhood or past has in it.
it really is like starting all over here and i need to feel people out and let them know who i am as well. those who have gotten to know me a little or more as in the case of heather and emily, know that i don't take crap from anyone. i voice my opinion and if i don't like you or the way you're behaving i'll let you know. i usually do it in a nice way the first time but after that i stop using the nice and just flat out tell you like it is.
i had a dispute with a "friend" today and it just really got to me and i can't believe the way this person has acted towards me. this person was being completely inconsiderate of the fact that i have a child. they asked me to do something with them that would take all day and i'd only have 4 hrs with lucian in that day and that'd be in the evening. that isn't fair. i chose to stay home so i could see lucian all day long and be with him every day. then the person tried to make me feel guilty about saying no to being away from lucian all day. i've dealt with a few people in my life that are pros at the martyr act and throwing guilt trips and guess what, that crap doesn't work on me. find someone else to feel sorry for you i don't do that.
i've had a rough week to say the least and i'm just ready for it to be over with. ready for jayson to leave texas so that we can talk every day and he'll also be one step closer to coming home! i'm looking forward to two years with him uninterrupted by a deployment. i don't mind if he goes to the NCO academy or to investigations school but no deployment for two years would be wonderful!
that is another thing i feel i need to add right quick. this isn't my first rodeo (deployment) so don't come crying to me with all your boo hoos. that may sound mean and all but i'm going through a deployment too and the fourth one at that so i'm past all the boo hoos of having your husband deployed. if you really want to compare here it is:
1st deployment- a month after jayson and i got married and i was active duty still and all i did was sleep and work. i was so depressed because it was the first deployment. it is how every first deployment is.
2nd- lucian was 6 months old. went to my mom's she helped but from a distance because she knows i hate overbearing people, which she never has been thankfully. lucian choked on some bolts he found on a window sill and i had to dig them out of his throat and a little dribble of blood came out of his nose. terrified the breath out of me. also jayson missed all of lucian's firsts during this deployment.
3rd- lucian was 2.5 yrs old. nothing bad happened during this deployment, thankfully! made a lifelong friend in katie during this one.
4th- lucian is just a month shy of being 4 yrs old. jayson was only home for 9 months and we pcs'd during those 9 months.
don't comapre your FIRST deployment to my 4th and those in the past. and don't compare your first or any others with anyone else becasue there is no comparison. it hurts the same for us all no matter if its the first or 15th deployment. its part of being married to military.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
i'm sad/pissed...
that jayson is gone and i don't get to hug/kiss/touch/smell/sit next to him until july or august
that my brother is out of prison and won't get to see him until who knows when
at the possiblity that my brother may very well end up in prison again
that my brother's mental health isn't stable and nothing can/will be done about it
that my best friend, jayson, isn't around until july or august
that this squadron sent martin in place of a staff sgt that is getting to stay home because he and his wife are having their 3rd, yes 3rd baby while martin will miss the birth of his first baby
that i don't have caroline next door
that i don't have katie down the hill and across the street
that the only thing to do here is go barhopping and i don't do that or drink and won't start either
that lucian is missing his wonderful daddy and wants to go up in the airplane with daddy
that the snow decided to come AFTER jayson left, he is the one that likes it and doesn't mind shoveling it
that the stupid wind knocked down our fence TWICE and now i have to put the dogs on a chain & stake combo to go outside because the fence blew over two days before jayson left
that jayson is gone until right before or right after my bday
i don't get to kiss jayson for 6.5 months or a little longer
that our house here is so damn small
that i'm so sad and pissed
that my brother is out of prison and won't get to see him until who knows when
at the possiblity that my brother may very well end up in prison again
that my brother's mental health isn't stable and nothing can/will be done about it
that my best friend, jayson, isn't around until july or august
that this squadron sent martin in place of a staff sgt that is getting to stay home because he and his wife are having their 3rd, yes 3rd baby while martin will miss the birth of his first baby
that i don't have caroline next door
that i don't have katie down the hill and across the street
that the only thing to do here is go barhopping and i don't do that or drink and won't start either
that lucian is missing his wonderful daddy and wants to go up in the airplane with daddy
that the snow decided to come AFTER jayson left, he is the one that likes it and doesn't mind shoveling it
that the stupid wind knocked down our fence TWICE and now i have to put the dogs on a chain & stake combo to go outside because the fence blew over two days before jayson left
that jayson is gone until right before or right after my bday
i don't get to kiss jayson for 6.5 months or a little longer
that our house here is so damn small
that i'm so sad and pissed
Thursday, January 6, 2011
the missing blog
i miss my jayson, terribly. it may seem that i'm barely even affected by this deployment but trust me i am. i HATE being away from jayson. we're not one of those weird couples who have to be together all the time and do everything together but we prefer to. jayson is truly my best friend i tell him everything and he tells me everything. i miss seeing his gorgeous face every day and kissing him and hugging him. i miss his smartass remarks and i just miss us when he is deployed. he was only home 9 months and we moved during that time so i feel like we barely got to see each other and then he was off again. i'm really hoping that he won't deploy again while he is here. he is supposed to be home a whole year before he goes out again and i don't see them sending him in the last year we're home because he'd be gone 6 months or longer and then come back and pcs. but you never know what the military will do.
i'm worried about my brother. my mom just got back from visiting him and she said his mental state has gotten worse. i've believed him to be schizophrenic since i was about 16 or so. i remember researching it in the high school library and ticking off all the symptoms that jeremy has. i love my brother dearly and worry so much for him. schizophrenics are some of the hardest to get into treatment because they don't see their delusions and parallel universes as fake. they think they are real that is what delusions are. i really would like to see him get some treatment and i do believe with treatment he will stay out of prison. jeremy has always been in his own little world. i just really really miss my brother and miss having a relationship with him.
i miss and worry about our neighbors back in ohio. my heart goes out to them so much and i really hate that i'm not able to help them through this tough and trying time in their lives. i'm finding that i honestly miss ohio in general. it became home and i knew that but didn't think it really was home for me. i miss our friends, our house, our cars, just knowing my way around and the variety of people, places and such. i never though i'd miss ohio as much as i do. i understand that i miss the people but i actually miss the place too. i also miss that we were only 6 hrs from jayson's family.
i'm crazy about jayson's family and miss them so much. they are such a small family unit but it is great! i miss texting and talking to my MIL. i also miss my SIL. she is so young but such a wonderful person to be around! i miss all their damn dogs too. i couldn't ask for a better set of in-laws for family. i don't even see them as in-laws. i don't think i ever really have. i get along with them greatly and just fit right in from the beginning even before we were married.
i'm just missing people in my life right now and need to write about it and get some of it out of me. i miss my dad a lot since moving here too. we had gotten to a great place in our relationship and i don't want it to get messed up by distance. i think as myself as a late to the game daddy's girl. i'm 27 and shouldn't be a daddy's girl but i so am. i'm crazy about my dad and wouldn't trade him for any other dad in the world. he has his faults and flaws but that is what makes him my dad and i absolutely love him!
i miss my mom too. i miss talking to her at least 3 times a day! yes i really did call my mom that often when we were in ohio. she and i are very close and she is my sounding board and i am one for her as well. i love the relationship my mother and i have with each other. its about respect and fun and most of all unconditional love. i know my mom would support any decision i ever made in my life. my mom and i laugh so much when we talk to each other! you ever read that website www.damnyouautotext.com? well that is how my mom and and talk when we're around each other and the craziest part is that we understand each other and don't even bother to correct each other. i miss laughing with my mom!
i'm worried about my brother. my mom just got back from visiting him and she said his mental state has gotten worse. i've believed him to be schizophrenic since i was about 16 or so. i remember researching it in the high school library and ticking off all the symptoms that jeremy has. i love my brother dearly and worry so much for him. schizophrenics are some of the hardest to get into treatment because they don't see their delusions and parallel universes as fake. they think they are real that is what delusions are. i really would like to see him get some treatment and i do believe with treatment he will stay out of prison. jeremy has always been in his own little world. i just really really miss my brother and miss having a relationship with him.
i miss and worry about our neighbors back in ohio. my heart goes out to them so much and i really hate that i'm not able to help them through this tough and trying time in their lives. i'm finding that i honestly miss ohio in general. it became home and i knew that but didn't think it really was home for me. i miss our friends, our house, our cars, just knowing my way around and the variety of people, places and such. i never though i'd miss ohio as much as i do. i understand that i miss the people but i actually miss the place too. i also miss that we were only 6 hrs from jayson's family.
i'm crazy about jayson's family and miss them so much. they are such a small family unit but it is great! i miss texting and talking to my MIL. i also miss my SIL. she is so young but such a wonderful person to be around! i miss all their damn dogs too. i couldn't ask for a better set of in-laws for family. i don't even see them as in-laws. i don't think i ever really have. i get along with them greatly and just fit right in from the beginning even before we were married.
i'm just missing people in my life right now and need to write about it and get some of it out of me. i miss my dad a lot since moving here too. we had gotten to a great place in our relationship and i don't want it to get messed up by distance. i think as myself as a late to the game daddy's girl. i'm 27 and shouldn't be a daddy's girl but i so am. i'm crazy about my dad and wouldn't trade him for any other dad in the world. he has his faults and flaws but that is what makes him my dad and i absolutely love him!
i miss my mom too. i miss talking to her at least 3 times a day! yes i really did call my mom that often when we were in ohio. she and i are very close and she is my sounding board and i am one for her as well. i love the relationship my mother and i have with each other. its about respect and fun and most of all unconditional love. i know my mom would support any decision i ever made in my life. my mom and i laugh so much when we talk to each other! you ever read that website www.damnyouautotext.com? well that is how my mom and and talk when we're around each other and the craziest part is that we understand each other and don't even bother to correct each other. i miss laughing with my mom!
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